être pour soi’s blog

Room for Squares... Oh! and Rectangles

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 05:46:17 -0600

Time for another epic weekend in Nebraska. One of the less exciting rectangular states bordering our square state. Should be pretty fun. Will write more when I get back!

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Mediocrity:Love and Music

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 16:39:42 -0600

So I found another girl who has nothing in common with me... I mean absolutely nothing at all!! But for some reason it draws me in right? go figure. I never accept mediocrity in music, which is just as important if not MORE important to me than love. I am notorious for accepting mediocrity in love though. It's kind of interesting. Though unlike music, I can listen to the same song for months, years, decades and there are probably songs I will continue to listen to for the rest of my life... but women?.... probably not... The mediocre "relationships" I have, which are not relationships at all really, more like relations, none the less, I fall... HARD and fast for women. And then just as fast as that happens I'm over it... completely over it... Iin fact it makes me sick to my stomach to think about them or see them again so I just ignore them. We usually meet up and have an amazing time, I fall head over heels, treat her like a princess, so of course she also has a great night, and we have amazing sex (usually for me, always for her) and then thats it. we hang out a couple more times (rarely) and that's that. Oh well, I guess that's just the reality I live in. Mediocrity is disgusting and I don't want to accept but it happens under my radar and I never notice. I met this girl who works at the mall the other day. So I give her number she texts me. We had been having some odd phone sex text message conversation continuing for a good three days and still till now. So it's been about a week now we've known each other still don't know each others names (I find that slightly more intersting than the usual name exchange) So we end up hanging out one day I came over to her house. Then I left and our text messages continued, I helped get her off a couple times by text (haha I know a bit absurd, never met anyone like her before). So we go on this "date" and by now I'm interested, Im reeled in and having a good time right. I pick her up and she's wearing purple cowboy boots, a cut up deisel dress which was purple and black with her purple lace bra slightly visible, and feather earings and a nose loop ring... real funky like and kinda deviant which is mildly attractive to me. I enjoy the absurd and deviant despite the fact I have no piercings, tattoos, and i dress like the average american college white boy. so we enjoy it have a good time in the movies and then we go to a coffee shop where she describes me as a "chad" or a "bro", meaning frat boy. I found that hilarious. so we go in she starts some odd fucking conversation about my old relationships who I'm curenttly fucking and other such things and basically takes me a apart like i've never been taken apart before. So I told her how things usually worked with me and women, and she replied by saying "I break boy's heart's on purpose... at least you don't do it on purpose". So I got a bit excited and thought this girl had a chance at being different. Before I know it im fidgeting my hands and slightly nervous. She describes me as an arrogant prick, a bro, and a slut, which I also found amusing. She tries to pay for me at the coffee shop after paying at the movies so I grab the check and go up to pay it, and tell her we should go for a walk. She continues to blow my mind with the way she knows my every move, really freaky at this point. we end up going to my house and she spends the night after fooling around a bit (hair pulling biting, etc., the likes of which I never was introduced to before despite haveing slept with about a deozen girls) It was a good time, and so I fell for her. the next day I dropped her off. And we have been texting the last couple days since. SHe started calling me baby and shit and I reciprocated, I dono it was fun. Now I feel nothing, I don't want to hang out with her and I simply don't care for her AT ALL. What the fuck is my problem? I don't know. Just sharing my thoughts, perhaps this may be amusing or someone has the same thing going on with them.

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The Exhibit of Life: A trip report (Psilocybin)

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 01 May 2008 12:25:31 -0600

{Please excuse possible incoherency or difficulty reading as my mind was a bit jumbled trying to get these absurd events on paper....}

It was entirely too great of a day to sit inside and learn the popular Dutch "Jumpen" dance via youtube video's so we decided to go to the bookstore and read a book I had been wanting to read called "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass. As we walked in I knew this was a great day and a lovely time to begin the early phases of my serious adjustment from pre psychedelic life to the skewed idea of reality I proudly hold today. We found the book and I sat down to read it. As I read it I began to realize that I hadn't the slightest fucking clue about what Mr. "Dass" or whatever was talking about. Something about needing to die before being reborn. So I had been trying to gather up the nerve for about a couple of months to score some psilocybin mushrooms after watching some friends trip and reading multiple reports on erwoid.org. I had previously only tried cannabis and MDMA and was looking to fuck with my skin encapsulated ego a bit. So I called my friend who I knew would have them, as he has mentioned getting them before. I figured, like with most psychedelics or mind altering experiences (namely MDMA) I would put the shroomies away for a long time and keep researching the subject and trying small bits of it to get used to baseline effects.

So I went and picked them up and proceeded to take them over to a very close friend of mines apartment to examine them. There were 5 of us over there, three of my good friends and one of their girlfriends. I decided upon taking a bit to try them out as I was entirely too excited to simply put them aside. I filled the small of my palm with some shake and a whole mushroom (about 1/2 eight) upon temporarily conquering my anxiety I ingested them and waited even more anxiously for the effects to kick in. I was sitting on the couch and we were all hanging out and listening to music like usual. Suddenly I feel /hear a vortex pulling me down ward. I had been told before that this vortex marked the beginning of the trip for many people... and so it was true.

I immediately got nervous and jumped up out of my seat to go talk to my more experienced friend about what was going on and to gain reassurance that I was in no physical danger. I then went out onto the balcony and examined the world around me as the visual effects began to kick in. The trees had beautiful bright colored blossoms and were dripping with beautiful crystal clear water droplets. I suddenly realized that the four walls around me were not enough. I asked my friend who I trusted most and who owned the apartment to go outside with me so as to not do anything stupid in public. During deliberation of whether to walk outside or stare out of the door, I began to lose touch with my bodies natural temperature gauge and became super comfortable with the idea of going outside despite the chilly night's air. My friend gave me a tour of the grounds which I had not previously seen, or so it seemed. The world around me became so vivid and clear that it was almost cartoony and the tints and colors and contrasts were blowing my mind. As I traveled deeper than the rabbit hole I found my self in wonderland.

I suddenly got cold and told my friend I was ready to go back. I walked back in and was immediately drawn to the Salvador Dahli picture of Abe Lincoln on the wall which was shifting into absolutely absurd shapes and that is when things became a bit overwhelming. The walls began to take on a life of their own and as I would concentrate on each wall individually it would breathe and flex. This was my first experience with distorted reality and I knew not what to do or how to handle it, so I got a bit more nervous and exclaimed loudly "WOOOOOOOW" as nervous laughter began pouring out of my over stimulated cranium and vibrating off the tip of my tongue. "Are you guys seeing this?" I asked. I turned around and one of my friends began to seriously fuck with my mind. He began making all of these evil faces and shaking his head from side to side. I asked if he was really doing it or if I was just hallucinating. All I got back in response is more of the faces and a lot of laughing from everyone around me and this is the point where I do not know what part of my story was real and what part was in mind.

As my friend continued to make faces he grew horns and, his naturally red hair and face got even more vividly red. I began to talk to tell him to stop it and I realized that I was speaking gibberish and getting the same in response. At this point I knew I was fucked and had no way to relate to the human beings around me. I was leaving this world and traveling even further down the rabbit hole. I stood up and left the room at that time to walk around and examine the multitude of trippy posters around the apartment which also continued to look less and less believable. I suddenly felt the urge to go to the restroom as my entire body felt wet and warm but cold and dry at the same time. I felt I was in a cold wet suit but immersed in a dry pool of warm water. I went to the bathroom and sat down on the John with pants down as I figured out that I would not realize if began to urinate or otherwise. I got lost in the multitude of sound and vortexes around me and stared intently at an odd picture of a paper pig on the bathroom wall. Next thing I know the bathroom feels like a ship that is preparing for lift off and I am literally being caught with my pants down as I am "fueling up". This feeling comes and goes as I relive the moment over and over like a tape recorder on constant rewind and intermixed within the tape somewhere is me walking in and out of the bathroom and various other rooms of the house. When the rewind button let go I found my self walking through the small hallway leading from the bathroom to the bedroom, as I waved goodbye to my friend who had been fucking with me earlier. He was walking out the door with his girlfriend and that made two less humans in the house to deal with, and one less "demon" as my friend had earlier made himself out to be.

I went across the hall and into the bedroom where I saw more posters!! (Posters were not fun anymore and they were fucking everywhere) These posters were of Coors light girls and they were playing all sorts of tricks on me. The girls had many different shades of skin put together in a mosaic on their body and were moving in weird laggy patterns as they began to make faces and grow horns as they shook their heads in the same way my "demon" friend had been doing earlier. It seemed as though he had set the tone for my trip and it was not set in a quality direction. So after I realized I still had a body with feet and legs that could move me I went over and sat on the bed and decided to lie down and close my eyes, hoping it would be normal again. As I closed my eyes I saw that I could no longer tell the difference between the world around me and the world behind my eye lids.

I opened my eyes(I think) again to notice the digital clock making weird patterns that made no sense at all. I had no perception of time and no perception of space. I kept forgetting I had ingested a mind altering substance and when I remembered long enough to calculate according to the clock how long it had been since I took them, the time made no logical sense to me whatsoever. I got lost again jumping through realities while lying on the bed with my eyes closed, only to be opened when I felt I was running out of breath. Every so often (I can’t recall the time intervals...anywhere from milliseconds to an hour) I would "wake up" from a "dream" and take a series of deep breaths as if waking up from a nightmare. Then the pattern once again began playing over and over again like a tape recorder and I kept dying and being reborn as the same person in the same time and space. I was still myself, but I was a big head floating in space with the cosmos, including our solar system, orbiting around me.

Then my friend came in and offered me moral support to which I had no words to say as I could not conceive the concept of words but he almost brought me back to reality. He then brought me apple sauce which was something completely foreign to me with little rubber balls that I perceived as planets I was chewing on and I suddenly lost grip of "reality" again. I once again "woke up from the dream" and found that I was drooling apple sauce on the bed and never actually swallowed or chewed it. I closed my eyes again and saw only mild level closed eye visuals of odd bondage scenes containing myself and people I knew well but not at all in a sexual way as I began to slip in to this scenario and found myself inside of this room for a couple moments before returning back to baseline upon (I think) reopening my eyes.

I lied for a while on the bed looking up thinking "WHUUUUUUT THAAAA FUUUUUUCK WAS THAT!!??!!?" Eventually I got up and rejoined my two remaining friends in the living room and began spouting off about how I plan to entitle my trip "the exhibit of life" and explaining my knew found ideas on god and life and other deep deep deep materials which I was seeing in an entirely new light. We spent the rest of the night flipping through radio channels and listening to music I never liked before (such as country) and laughing hysterically at the absurd Irony of the music and the lack of complexity in the lyrics which I found to be very satisfying. I fell asleep that night on my friends couch with my head phones on, playing a track I had created with a computer music studio, which was influenced by the conflict in Israel and listened intently with great compassion and understanding until it became too much for me, and I fell asleep.

I can honestly say that trip has made me a better person and a deeper thinker as well as somebody who is very thankful for their existence and reality and especially thankful for a chance at having such an amazing psychedelic journey. I now understand full well what the wonderful Ram Dass speaks of in his book and I own the book and read it quite often and would highly recommend the book to everyone.

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"Why is the world so g-d violent" or "War? really???"

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:04:20 -0600

War is delightful to those who have no experience of it.

--Desiderius Erasmus (1466/69-1536), Humanist, Theologian

If the mind pays no attention to that which plagues it, the body will still suffer the consequences unbeknownst to the victim. The same goes for a nation that blindly leads its citizens into war and chooses to ignore it. When colonies of people start dropping like flies, citizens become more scrupulous in their observations of current events. No matter how many leaders plead ignorance or say they are winning, the suspecting people grow no more foolish than they were before. There is a large population which still believes that war cannot be won. The only way to win in conflict is by choosing a peaceful initiative. As one humorous bumper sticker reads, “Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity”.

The inevitability of losing one’s life is enough to turn many an individual away from violence, but that single snowflake is easily drowned out in an avalanche of survival driven aggressors. The prospect of financial gain is as important a catalyst as is the need for limited resources. But patriotism is a whole other set of ideals entirely. Classic patriotism has always meant standing up for what is best for one’s nation, whether it is for or against the governing body; whether you stand alone or in a crowd. It is the opposition to unreasonable government policies that has historically marked the true patriot. Unfortunately, Patriotism has lost its meaning in the modern context of collectivist nations. Fighting and dying for one’s country is as absurd an idea to some, as it is simple truth to others. Albert Einstein plainly stated his opinion on the matter when he exclaimed, “Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism… How passionately I hate them!” Regardless, everything is open to interpretation but relativity is grounded in theory. If there were no borders or countries, as many idealists would have it, would patriotism exist in the context of kinship? Kinship is the rule rather than the exception for human beings in every part of the world, therefore it is quite logical that a brotherhood of man would develop in a form somewhat reminiscent of patriotic fellowship, but modern patriotism is some different. Patriotism today has strong nationalist undertones and causes some very angry reactions from the excluded party.

It is equally important in wartime context to consider the strong possibility of blow-back, which comes most commonly in the form of terrorist attacks and guerrilla forces. Blow back is very real and very dangerous. Somewhere in the chaos of war-time orders being handed down through the ranks, a sense of responsibility and even common sense is lost, this is where the rules of engagement come in, and just as quickly come right back out. Desensitization is another form of blowback. Violence is a drug and an aphrodisiac to people who are bored and restless. The people of the world get fed up with happy endings and they crave bloodshed, turmoil, and conflict as much as they crave their most addictive pharmaceutical.

The jumbled confusion of ulterior motives, testosterone fueled aggression, and self-righteous ideology is what we have come to know as violence. In its more extreme context it is full-blown war, which isn’t as pleasant as it may seem when seen in plain vision.

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"Why is religion so prevalent" or "is it important"

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:02:12 -0600

“Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.”

--Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Theologian, Mathematician

Ideology, in every respect, is based on perspective; one that can be seen as wrong, right, or just plain ridiculous. How does a person determine what is right without knowing what is wrong? We must go to each far reaching extreme of every situation to know its middle ground; for without having done so our ideas are but a transparent speck on an unmarked abyss; a blind pair of eyes in a poorly lit room. Naturally, people have the right to deny the fact that they are not sure about something and jump head first into a situation based on some imaginary form of reassurance. It is their inalienable right, in fact. Ideologies frequently crash at full force, giving birth to a grey area very different from what is the accepted definition of compromise (as always words fall short). On the contrary, it is more of an anti-compromise. But this grey area is found in everything we come across. We may derive this from the theory of relativity, that one sees everything only from their own physical point of existence. Man knows nothing because man knows something, thus if a man knows something they must know nothing, for without the knowledge and the lack there of, they have no point of relativity. So the point is we know nothing and we know everything. That being said why must we violently clash ideologies if they are as unstable as radioactive atoms? It is the irrationality of human ideologies that brings about statements of complete non sense backed by a full throttle certainty. In no more obvious of a situation does this manifest itself than in the form of religion. We know nothing about the future in this life, and certainly less, if it’s possible, about the after life. Why then, is it so typical to gather arms and kill for this definite uncertainty? Was Winston Churchill so wrong in asserting the statement, “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”. Now, the idea of a God has of course always been an honorable conviction. This may even be in good sense, the true question is where, how, and among whom you read what you preach? Muslims, Jews, Christians, and other forms of widely accepted religions are all convinced that they have the story right. It is blind faith, and it can be as ugly is it can be beautiful; as dangerous as it can be safe; as reassuring as it can be hopeless; and as deceptive as it can be guiding. Where is the grey area? Must ideologies clash in order to achieve said commonality? Absolutely! And I am convinced (pun intended) that there is no other way. What I am not convinced about, however, is that ideologies must clash rather than meet and find a common ground. It’s not an all together absurd conviction that human beings with “extremist” or “radical” beliefs can find a happy center. They know one extreme so they must know the other. For how can one know what it is to be extreme if they do not know what it is to be moderate? An easy answer to an easy question… They don’t know it! They don’t know because someone else developed categories of all sorts of -isms and dispersed people about them to fit the description. This is all a big misunderstanding between misguided, misinformed, but convinced individuals/groups. So convinced; so misguided, in fact, that they would give up their life for their beliefs. Righteous? Noble? We may never know. But is it daring and ballsy? Absolutely! I am convinced of it!

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If determinism were true would you accept it?

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:00:21 -0600

Life is not humanistic choices inside of the boundaries of determinism, but rather determinism within the boundaries of humanistic choice. Determinism is a man made defense mechanism created in response to the fear of the unknown, known as the humanistic choice (the universe and all it entails)

influenced by: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCyKNtocdZE

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The End of the Beginning: A thesis

nobody@vox.com(être pour soi) — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:21:43 -0600

“The End of the Beginning to Violent, Radical, Money-Based, Socio-Political Love of Control Over the Aging of the Collective and Subjective History Pages of Drug-Induced Religious Origins Combating the Vitality of Scientific Theory.”(A.K.A. EBVRMBSPLCOACSHPDIROCVST)

Individualism has taken a pitfall due to a collectivist standard, being irrationally dictated to the increasingly blind masses as rational. The Power-Tripping, terror pushing Personas in elite places have been waging a violent ideologically based liberty revoking war on human minds partially through drug laws, which are simultaneously throwing an entire race of civilly disobedient rebels into a relentless system controlled by greed, fueled by oil-sponsored, nuclear war-lords, and permeating with violence by the peaceful, in order to escape control from the evil, God-fearing, psychological disease label distributing, law making, History dictating, fear mongering powers that be. In an attempt to replace a skewed definition of love with sex by lumping the two together, they have destroyed the meaning of ecstasy and thrown blame on an all questioning, neo-revolution preaching generation as the reason for the end of conservative idealist control over the so-called counter-culture of youthful, artistic, engaged, history making, anti-violent, free thinking, progressive, love shouters who are shifting into high gear and inevitably moving into decision making chairs as the expansion of the wide array of dimensions of this enormously miniscule blue speck of earth we call home, is in the midst of a crescendo of human consciousness.

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